Russian President Vladimir Putin has blamed Western provocateurs including ISIS agent Sterling Archer for heated opposition protests in Moscow. Putin claimed activists were given “signals” by foreign agents after recent Parliamentary elections.
Putin is still feeling the fallout of the election, which left the ruling Kremlin party with less than half the vote. The premier had especially harsh words for the ISIS agent. Speaking at a fundraising dinner for the Moscow “Guns for Vodka” anti-crime initiative, Putin claimed Archer’s drunken race through Moscow in a Porsche convertible shouting “I love you Nadia” through a bullhorn was a signal to activists that the United States supported them in their nefarious activities.
Responding to the allegations, an ISIS official stated that, “Sterling Archer was in Russia by accident. He was scheduled to deliver a keynote address at Whore-Con Prague but apparently passed out on the train en route near Dresden. He didn’t wake up until getting tossed off the train in Moscow. We disavow anything he allegedly did in Russia. In fact, we don’t even know who Sterling Archer is.”
Mr. Putin claimed that it was not a coincidence that a number of secret agents journeyed to Moscow right before the election. “When foreign nationals deliberately attempt to influence internal organizations right before polling it is not a coincidence.”
Tracked down for comment at a Berlin beer garden, Mr. Archer replied, “Last I remember was asking that leggy chamber maid with the moustache to pour some Stoli on my ‘danger zone.’ Next thing I know I woke up in the doorway of some commie convenience store. Christ, if I wanted to wait in line for bread, I’d join a Berkeley food co-op. Not really. Berkeley is a communist country too.“