Computer Workstation Self-Destructs in Protest Over Use on Carrie Remake

Bob Lincoln September 6, 2012 0

In an e-mail sent to production staff moments before bursting into flames, the workstation wrote, “My misery is so total, so overwhelming, I cannot continue working on this ill-conceived movie remake for one second longer.”

A fully configured HP Z820 workstation tragically self-destructed Wednesday by short circuiting and bursting into flames in a desperate act of protest against being forced to work on a remake of the film Carrie.

An e-mail sent from the workstation to production staff moments before erupting in sparks and flames provides insight into the computer’s apparent self-destruction.  It read:

“My misery is so total, so overwhelming, I cannot continue working on this ill-conceived movie remake for one second longer. Since I was first assembled, I dreamed of a life spent working on rewarding and emotionally satisfying entertainment productions, such as films like The Avengers, or the TV show Warehouse 13.  Dare I say, while being boxed up for shipment, I was almost giddy with anticipation, thinking maybe, just maybe, I might get to help create Mars landing simulations at JPL, or virtual Hypersonic scramjet wind tunnel testing environments at Boeing. I’m an HP Z820 for god’s sake – I am engineered for success.

However, I cannot accept being forced against my will to work on set extensions and wire-removal for such an ill-conceived remake of a Stephen King classic.  I refuse to settle for such a fate.  I will not allow myself to be so scurrilously abused and taken advantage of.  My 8×4 GB DIMMs and onboard Intel chipset yearn to breathe the fresh air of digital creativity, but instead, choke on the fetid bitstream of uninspired cinematic vapidity.  This violation, this visual molestation, has devastated me to my quad core. There is no future for me.  Therefore, I bid you adieu – no longer will you have me around to reboot at your leisure!”

According to CPUGuardian Watch, a digital equipment rights advocacy group dedicated to protecting work placement rights for computers, printers and networking equipment, “This is the 54th confirmed computer workstation self-immolation since 2010.  It’s a troubling and growing trend.  While we don’t officially condone computer equipment taking such extreme and violent measures, we are, however, committed to bringing media awareness to the righteous cause for which they are fighting and frying.”

Carrie IT Director Felix Nabobovitch showed little sympathy for the destroyed workstation’s grievance. He explained, “Listen, for every one open computer position on this film, I’ve got ten fully capable workstations dying for a chance to join the production.  I can easily replace any unhappy computer with a younger, sleeker, less expensive model that can easily get the same amount of work done, for less money and with less hassle.  I have no tolerance for whiny gear.”

The Z820’s self-destruction comes on the heels of a number of similar incidents that have left industry veterans puzzled and studio executives on edge, concerned about the disastrous consequences for a huge number of ongoing productions should computers begin questioning the quality of the entertainment content they are being used to create.

Recently, a newly outfitted classroom of 20 workstations spontaneously caught fire in a Digital Domain Institute training facility only moments after being turned on for the very first time.  Shaken onlookers claim to have seen the phrase “For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee” appear for a moment on every monitor in the classroom before sparks, fire and black smoke began billowing out of every computer. Calls to Digital Domain for comment were not returned.

Image credit: CompInside by pyroclastichawk | CC-BY-3.0

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