As you sit alone with your thoughts on yet another lonely, miserable Friday night, a half-empty Chardonnay bottle at your side, while your main squeeze and two of his work buds giggle through another episode of Tosh 2.0, you realize that sooner or later, tough questions must be asked – and answered – about your relationship and future prospects with the animator boy in the next room.
Yes, when you met him at the Annie Awards, his geekiness was cute and sexy. That’s because he was under the watchful eye of his boss, who made sure he didn’t embarrass himself, the production or the studio. It also meant he’d showered that day, taken his meds and put on his one adult outfit, forced on him by his harpy mother for an uncle’s funeral the year before. You were drunk, he liked your handbag, then things got out of hand. We’ve all been there. No apologies needed.
What was once tolerated as the eccentricity of a brilliantly talented young artist is now just the early warning sign of an ulcer burning in your gut, one sharp jabbing pain for each of the countless failings of the man of your dreams. Animator, modeler, lighting TD, they’re all the same, each day slogging their way through yet another doomed animated kids show or direct-to-DVD snooze-fest, squeezing the life-force from your very soul as their career careens towards part-time freelance cleanup work on some Swedish PSA about condoms, Methadone and green technology. Granted, there are some exceptional people in animation. However, your beau, the guy who hides porno Quicktimes in his Jamie Oliver recipe folder, isn’t one of them
Since you lack the will-power and self-esteem to assess your doomed coupling with Mr. Aint Happening Ever, I’m here to help. If you still need convincing you’ve bet the farm on the wrong pony, ask yourself how many of the following warning signs apply to the man-child you’re playing Hide the Stargate with:
- He cried when you saw Prince of Persia.
- He likes the scones at Starbucks.
- He wears jeans without a belt.
- You’d rather play Scrabble on your iPad than have him go downtown on you.
- When the comic book shop returns his calls, he yells out, “Oh, hey mom, one second” before running into the bathroom to talk.
- He’s too self conscious and insecure to let you handle his Pokémon collection.
- He forgets your birthday but not the release date for The Avengers.
- His cell phone has 50 pictures of cubicle toys, but none of you.
- He never has money for small things like rent, food or utilities.
- He admins an Avatar: The Last Airbender fan site.
- You want to have a family and save towards buying a house. He wants to self-publish his latest graphic novel Robo-Sorceror Tom.
- He’s rude to the clerk at Whole Foods when they’re out of chia seeds.
- He told you he couldn’t do the dishes because he hurt his wrist in a Wacom tablet accident.
- He never finishes an entire beer.
- He doesn’t understand what’s so funny about South Park.
- He thinks every cat in the room doesn’t like him, and he’s right.
- You’re a better artist than him and you suck.
- Every time he watches Kung Fu Panda he screams at the TV, “Dude, Po, you’re a Panda, he’s a goose. He’s not your dad!”
- He’s almost finished with the script for his epic animated short, “Beyond Infinity and Beyond” which is more awesome and mind blowing than anything anyone else has ever done, you’ll see!
- He keeps asking you to dress up as Counselor Troi, tie him to the bed and tell him you sense something “massive and powerful” in the room.
- All your closest girlfriends think he’s a complete douche except the one who slept with him when you all got hammered at last year’s Halloween party, and she got a restraining order against him that same week.
Don’t get too down on yourself. You like the artsy types sporting red Chuck Taylors, that’s fine. Who are we to judge? We’re not here to chastise you for your consistently awful taste in men. Rather, we are here to provide a type of intervention, to help you recognize the error of your ways, but more importantly, to offer encouragement and support while you take positive action and do what must be done. Take consolation in the fact that a better life, a happier tomorrow, is only a locksmith and a kick in the nuts away.