This week, I try to help a confused young story artist at a major animation studio grapple with ethical decisions that have serious, possibly illegal and certainly immoral implications.
I have a problem and I need your help. I work in story development at one of the big SoCal animation studios. 2 months ago, I started dating this girl who works in development at a rival studio. I liked the idea of the danger of it and I figured I could easily cut it off if anything made me uncomfortable. We’ve gone out about a dozen times. Things were cool the first month or so, but then she started asking me about what feature projects we’re working on. At first I brushed it off and told her I couldn’t talk about it. Well, she keeps bringing it up and it’s getting harder to dodge the subject. Under normal circumstances I’d walk away. However, she is extremely hot and the sex is unbelievable. What should I do?
Michael in Los Angeles
Corporate espionage is no laughing matter, unless of course, it forces a big movie studio to fire lots of people and make costly changes to their development slate. In that case, it’s hilarious. While it makes no difference to me if your studio’s next films are about plucky Scottish badgers or dancing zombie real estate agents, I can appreciate the fact that billions of dollars in revenue could very well be at stake depending upon if and when certain leftist traitors have surreptitiously gained access to that information and used it for nefarious purposes.
Since you work in animation, I’m guessing it’s not that easy to meet women eager to bed you without upfront payment, which of course, is illegal and in your case, probably impossible to arrange since you don’t own an iPhone app to handle it for you. Since you say this girl is quite hot, I’m guessing she’s fairly unattractive and since you say the sex is unbelievable, I’ll agree and say it’s not believable you’re having sex with her at all.
That being said, I would never turn away someone who came to me for guidance in his or her hour of need. On the outside chance you’ve gotten a hanny or two these last couple months, my advice to you is as follows. Show no weakness – you must not deviate from the plan. Once you choose the path of sin, yielding like a cheap Fiat door panel to temptation of the flesh, there’s no turning back until all hell breaks loose and you sneak away cowering like the scurvy dog I’m going to help you become.
- Pack an emergency overnight bag and place it in the trunk of your car, along with a case of juice boxes, a roll of duct tape and 4 packs of chewing gum.
- Prepare yourself to tell her everything she wants to know, but in snippets, spread out over as many months as possible, and only after receipt of fellatio or full penetration, front door or back, every time you provide her something new. Always use her apartment – never again bring her to where you live. Hotels are fine as long as she pays.
- Insist on at least one dozen intimate pictures of her, on a small flash drive, under the guise you must plant those on the computer of a despised work colleague as an insurance policy in case your treacherous deceit ever comes back to bite you. Do not share more than one important piece of information with her until you get those pictures. Once she verifies you’re telling the truth, she’ll be much more likely to comply with your demands.
- Plant those images on as many electronic devices as you can get your hands on while co-workers are at lunch or playing hacky sack outside on the lawn. This ensures a future “scorched earth” exit strategy should you ever get snared in the evil web of deceit you are spinning.
- Sometime in the next week, sneak onto the computer of said despised colleague and install either Timbuktu or LogMeIn, remote control PC programs that will allow you unfettered remote access from anywhere in the world.
- Over the next several weeks, each time your unsuspecting co-worker has left his desk unattended, login remotely and send long, inappropriate and completely offensive e-mail missives to your female accomplice, professing your love and how no price is too high to pay for the taste of her forbidden flesh. Make up stories of how you’ve figured out how to gain access to secured areas of the studio, which again, will throw off security in any future investigation or interrogation.
- For every three truthful things you share with her, give her three you’ve completely made up. Invent films and characters. Research titles of teen novels and tell her the studio is considering their expensive options. Spread vicious rumors about senior executives, their children, spouses and pets. This classic disinformation tactic will prolong your relationship as she and her cohorts try to confirm the validity and assess the importance of the information you’re providing.
- Make up a list of the sickest, most disgusting and twisted activities you can think of. Label it ‘Weekend in Vegas.’ Give it to her. Tell her to make travel arrangements for you, her and one of her girlfriends.
- After 3 months, tell her you need cash, preferably non-sequential 20s, in increments of $5,000. Explain to her that your cousin works for the FBI and he’ll be in town with the kids next month, expecting to be wined and dined. Continue taking cash for as long as possible.
- When you’ve exhausted every option above and your girlfriend tells you the relationship is over, politely thank her for the wonderful time you’ve had, shake her hand and tell her there should be no hard feelings. Key her car as you leave the parking garage.
- Without delay, drive to work and find the highest ranking security officer available. Tell him you’ve uncovered evidence of an affair between a co-worker and a development executive at a rival studio. Explain how you suspect highly confidential studio secrets may be changing hands and that you couldn’t sit by silently while the traitorous bastard was putting everyone’s job in jeopardy.
- Treat yourself to something special for a job well done – go buy yourself that expensive Spider-Man comic or Fossil clutch you’ve been wanting. You deserve it.
Stay the course, be strong and I promise you, things will work out just fine. Fate has a way of helping those that help themselves.